I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Please don't give away my fajitas
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
