we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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