My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
