I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
