dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just cut my nipple shaving
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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