but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
