I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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