I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
