shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize