i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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