Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
