New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
