The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
