He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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