I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just pee around me
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
