and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
