I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
