i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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