it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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