Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
