I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
