Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
