Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
