he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
