I hate your face
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
