i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
We had sex on a dog bed..
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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