i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
