So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
