Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
