So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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