I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
