youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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