Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
