Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
