Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
