the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Sorry my hands just texted you
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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