I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
