hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Randomize
