I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
