I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
