dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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