Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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