The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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