He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
