my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
