if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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