I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
