I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
