if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
