I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
So much rum. So many feels.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
